206 to 2010 - almost 2011 - WOW!!

WOW is right!! Four years since my last post, LOL... ya, that's a bit of a stretch. Where oh where should I begin? How about the beginning???? hehe. first off, i'm not using caps any longer. i find them extremely annoying for starters. secondly, no... i'm not going to fill in four years. i'll just start from the hell i'm in now. think that's as good a place as any.

lets see... been on fentanyl patches for some time now & everyone in the family has decided that my 'aggression' solely comes from the fentanyl. how to convince them that my aggression actually comes from the fact that my mother has & is driving me insane. it's never stopped, although there are times when it's on hiatus, so to speak... but, none the less, it always returns.

she can NOT leave others things alone....and right now, since i'm the only other one that lives with her, that means MY things!! can NOT do it. never has been able to do it no matter what i do. the only thing i haven't tried is to actually put a lock on my bedroom door. i just might have to do that as she cannot be trusted to stay the fuck out of my room OR my personal belongings.. EVER!!

not only does she intrude in to my personal & private things, but once she's moved something she has no recollection as to what she did with such things... again... EVER!!!

she now thinks she's possibly suffering from Alzheimer's disease as this is what my grandmother died from. she might be, but her forgetfulness has been on-going for at least all of MY life, so it's nothing new, although it has gotten worse, especially since my sister passed this spring. depression can do that to a person. so can medication. and of course, old age. put them all together and it's no wonder she can't remember shit, but at least find out if that's what's going on. don't diagnose yourself & then run from it. that just doesn't make any fucking sense. and to be honest, it's driving me insane to boot. i can't take it any longer & unfortunetly, unless i can come up with a separate section 8 voucher, we're stuck together. that is unless i decide to go live on the fucking street, because i most certainly cannot afford an apartment on my own.

things have of course, gotten out of hand once again. and of course, as per usual, i'm the villain. ALWAYS the villain!! she raises her hands to me & begins to slap & punch me... i defend myself by slapping her once in the side of the face & i'm the fucking asshole. of course it's me. it's always me... ALWAYS!!! deb, you think YOU'RE the black sheep of the family??? you have NO fucking idea what that actually means, trust me.

anyway, i'm already tired of doing this & it's not helping me in any way so i'm stopping this entry now.