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206 to 2010 - almost 2011 - WOW!!

WOW is right!! Four years since my last post, LOL... ya, that's a bit of a stretch. Where oh where should I begin? How about the beginning???? hehe. first off, i'm not using caps any longer. i find them extremely annoying for starters. secondly, no... i'm not going to fill in four years. i'll just start from the hell i'm in now. think that's as good a place as any.

lets see... been on fentanyl patches for some time now & everyone in the family has decided that my 'aggression' solely comes from the fentanyl. how to convince them that my aggression actually comes from the fact that my mother has & is driving me insane. it's never stopped, although there are times when it's on hiatus, so to speak... but, none the less, it always returns.

she can NOT leave others things alone....and right now, since i'm the only other one that lives with her, that means MY things!! can NOT do it. never has been able to do it no matter what i do. the only thing i haven't tried is to actually put a lock on my bedroom door. i just might have to do that as she cannot be trusted to stay the fuck out of my room OR my personal belongings.. EVER!!

not only does she intrude in to my personal & private things, but once she's moved something she has no recollection as to what she did with such things... again... EVER!!!

she now thinks she's possibly suffering from Alzheimer's disease as this is what my grandmother died from. she might be, but her forgetfulness has been on-going for at least all of MY life, so it's nothing new, although it has gotten worse, especially since my sister passed this spring. depression can do that to a person. so can medication. and of course, old age. put them all together and it's no wonder she can't remember shit, but at least find out if that's what's going on. don't diagnose yourself & then run from it. that just doesn't make any fucking sense. and to be honest, it's driving me insane to boot. i can't take it any longer & unfortunetly, unless i can come up with a separate section 8 voucher, we're stuck together. that is unless i decide to go live on the fucking street, because i most certainly cannot afford an apartment on my own.

things have of course, gotten out of hand once again. and of course, as per usual, i'm the villain. ALWAYS the villain!! she raises her hands to me & begins to slap & punch me... i defend myself by slapping her once in the side of the face & i'm the fucking asshole. of course it's me. it's always me... ALWAYS!!! deb, you think YOU'RE the black sheep of the family??? you have NO fucking idea what that actually means, trust me.

anyway, i'm already tired of doing this & it's not helping me in any way so i'm stopping this entry now.

what's wrong with this blog??????

I don't know what's up with this blog but for the life of me when you first log onto it, it won't show my latest blog. It only shows one that I posted months and months ago.

Maybe the title on my last blog was just too much for e-blog, lol. Perhaps it just couldn't take my outlandish thoughts, hehe.

Dont know....does e-blog have a conscience???? Perhaps. You never know these days. Technology may have advanced far enough that they're now inserting new prototypes into unsuspecting bloggers and they actually have little nano-brains that decide what will be posted and what won't. Never say never

OK....not much to contribute this evening so I think I'll just go off and attack one of my other many projects and see if this new post will actualy show up. Like I said....never say never :)

till the next time..............

in the name of.....it's been months since my last post, LOL

I am a seriously wacked person, LOL. No idea what got into me this evening for me to put that heading. Hey, at least I was nice and didn't type out the entire Act of Contrition. Wouldn't want to offend anyone. Hell, I probably have anyway. Oh well..... that's the mood I'm in this evening.

Just thought I'd throw a few words in here since it's been ages since I've posted anything on this blog. I've kind of pulled away from my AOL Journal as AOL has taken to posting adds on people private journals and I just can't abide by that.

Then I have an LJ account. I post there occassionally although most of the time I leave messages for a friend of mine who posts there daily.

Then there's MySpace. At first I hated this blog. It was hard for me to navigate and I felt it was made up of mostely really young people. But....I've met some really cool people there and have taken to not only posting blogs but they have a space for what they call "bulletins" which go out to all your friend, which I think is fun.

OK...I've put down my words here and now....I'm off. You know, it's been so long it took me forever to figure out how to post a new blog here. Perhaps I'll come back more often so I don't forget.

Alrightee then....have a good nite.

till the next time.........

It's been a long time..........

It's been eons since I've posted here. Mainly because I actually have four seperate blogs and I've found it almost impossible to actually have enough different things to say to put in four different blogs, LOL. I suppose I could write the one blog and then copy it to all the other blogs, that way I'd get the ENTIRE blogging community, hehe.

Honestly don't think there would be that many people interested in reading my blog. I know that if AOL is any indication I pretty much have a private blog, LOL.

What profound thoughts do I want to post today???? Nothing in particular really. I have a few friends that are now over here so I'd thought I 'd post something current so that when I send them my blog address they'll have something current to read. Aren't I nice???? I think so, hehe.

I've heard recently, with everyone in J-Land over at AOL discussing which blog address is the best, that this particular blog site has a nasty habit of sticking in pop-up adds when you least expect it. Usually after you've been posting for a bit. I suppose their thinking is that once you get comfortable and THEN the adds come that you won't want to move the blog. Suppose that works most of the time.

I do know that once the adds come you won't see me on here very often. I feel violated lately by all the adds in the world. Television, radio stations, newspapers and yes, now even your own private thoughts are infiltrated by Madison Ave. and the Emperors of the Add.

I suppose, someday when this particular civilization has come and gone that the one legacy that will be left to say exactly who we were, will be an add. They seem to be as biodegradable as styrafoam. What a legacy huh?

If you can put yourself into the future for a second....in some new fangled "apartment" looking at the future's version of an entertainment box, they'll be a Discovery Special on a "lost civilization" who's demise was the almighty add. Entire towns were found with mummified "people" still sitting in front of these archaic boxes, little of which is known to date. Why these people would sit, unmoving for days and weeks at a time is still seen as a mystery. What magic did this "box" have over this civilization? Was this their God? We may never know..... Nice way to be remembered for all eternity, don't you think?

Well, that's it for this entry. I still have three more blogs to be cutsey in.

till the next time...........

strange venues to wake up in.... LOL

Here I go again.... waking up in strange, and at times, dangerous venues... LOL. Good freaking thing I'm not into sleep walking. I could just see myself waking up as a giant wave folds over my head or something, hehe. Ya, I live waaaaayyyy too close to the ocean!! Or... worse yet... I could find myself taking a giant step for all women.... off the freaking bridge, LOL. Now that would be one hell of a step. Who knows... I could land on the deck of an LNG tanker going by underneath, LOL. Now wouldn't that scare the living crap out of the crew, hehe.
But alas no, my sleeping mind is not that creative. Actually... thank the Gods it's not that creative. Otherwise I might find myself in a precarious situation, or worse.... DEAD! There's something to say for boring, hehe.

No... instead I found myself... or should I say my poor mother found me spread out across my work bench, with my head and arms splayed across all of my beads (minus any toothpicks thank you, LOL) dead to the entire world. This is not a "NORMAL" sleep that I find myself in, but such a deep sleep that I'm completely unaware of any uncomfortableness going on (i.e., a face full of toothpicks). I have NO recollection of pain whatsoever!!

But..... this was not the STRANGEST place I ended up last night..... NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

After my mother roused me from my workbench and aimed me toward my bed she went off to use the bathroom. That of course got me thinking that my bladder could use to be emptied as well. You know, that's usually what happens when you first wake up.... head for the loo. So, once she was finished that's where I went. Unfortunetly, she didn't see me and just trotted off to her own bed. That was at 7AM!!

Of course she did come back and check on me a bit later..... at 11:30AM and guess what?????? I WAS STILL SITTING ON THE THRONE!!!! Yup.... I had passed out on the toilet and was there for a full four and a half hours!! Now, it was great that I got that much sleep. Again, thank the Gods that I didn't FALL OFF of the throne, LOL. Nope, I just sat there, head on chest, sound asleep.

Of course I kept having this really strange dream where I'd see my glasses on the floor, pick them up and put them back on. A little later in the dream I 'd see my glasses on the floor, pick them up and put them on. This "dream" continued over and over again. What I realized upon waking was that it wasn't a dream at all. I guess my glasses kept falling off my face, I'd wake up and put them back on, LOL. I did this for four and a half hours but never really WOKE UP!
That was this morning. This evening my mother insisted that I get into bed as I fell asleep while trying to eat. Dropped my fork right out of my hand onto the plate, with quite a clatter I might add. I meandered into my room and "sat up" in bed while looking through the TV stations. She came in to check on me and found my lower body still "sitting up" while my upper body had twisted and fell over. Once she woke me up I was in considerable pain from muscle spasms in my back from being so twisted. This has sooooooo got to stop.

My mother doesn't have normal conversations with me any longer, hehe. Our diatribe consists of "Star??? (insert "real" name here by the way :) I answer "ya" and she responds with "are you awake???? Of course just by the shear fact that I answer her in the first place should make it unnecessary for her to complete the sentence with "are you awake" but I guess she feels it would be impolite, LOL. Her hearts in the right place and that's what really counts.

I suppose I need to speak to the doc about this. Only problem is, I don't know WHICH DOC to talk to, LOL. I suppose I should start with my Primary, although he/she (reg. doc & nurse practitioner) haven't been all that responsive lately. I think I've surpassed their general knowledge for what a "general" patient should be dealing with.

I guess I could talk to my Pain Specialist, Dr. Ross. Now here's a doc that calls back ALL THE TIME. It may take him a day or two depending on his schedule but I've never had to call back and request to speak with him a second time. He ALWAYS returns my calls. I'm not sure though that this particular problem is within his realm of medical expertise.

I did call the specialist who may/may not (depending on what he sees in my records) become my newest doc . Unfortunetly, he doesn't know me from a whole in the wall to start and second, this really isn't his line of expertise. He handles gastrointestinal issues including auto immune diseases that effect the liver

And my Rheumatologist definetly wouldn't know what to do with this weird sleeping thing. Soooo, I guess I'm back to the Primary. I'll guarantee I won't get a definitive answer from either one of that team. Like I said before, I think I've surpassed their level of expertise. Kind of scary if you ask me.

Maybe I'll type up a "general" type letter, indicating all the strange venues I've woken up in and send them to ALL of my doctors. Depending on who answers what, I'll have a better idea of who can help me. Or better yet, I'll have an idea of who WANTS to help me, LOL. I'll have to try that one, hehe!!

Sooooo..... until I find out what the hell is going on and why I keep having these episodes about every three weeks or so, I think I'll just have my mother cover me in bubble wrap!! That way, no matter where I fall alseep I won't be too prone to hurting myself. Although, if it's another toothpick insident I just might end up puncturing all of the bubble wrap. Hopefully the POPPING sounds will wake me this time, LOL!! Naaawww... I'll probably just think it's another one of my weird dreams, hehe....

till the next time.........................

p.s. Maybe I should start a contest to see who out there in Blogger Land can pick what venue I'll wake up in next. The more creative, the better.... LOL!!! Now what kind of prize could I award for that one????

hey... this is me... Star!!

very first blog.... lol....

Ooooh..... my very first blog in this new format. i'll have to come back and write something stupendously witty... but for now....... not a damned thing to say, hehe.